The Sunflower Stayed in the Past

 "This story is written by Elif Kork in 2008 after her mum passed away because of Butterfly GBM."

dedicated to my flower;

my white mum...

-Let me cut it, I can do it!

After a short silence, I am one of the bodies on the floor while I am cutting the white pasteboard with a yellow knife, suddenly I stand on my feet.

-My finger, I cut my finger!

 

 

-How? asks shocked who sat down on the floor.

 

-Look! The part of my finger is over there, on the knife…

A few red drops fall down on the white pasteboard, I look cheerlessly at small alive part of skin as it starts to die slowly. I hold my finger without any reason. Last time I held my finger like this I was in the elementary school.

However I don’t have anything to say and my finger cries as it is bleeding now.

No one let me talk; in fact, there is no question nor any answer which I am able to say. I put a big piece of cotton on the cut of my finger calmly. Since I missed you, nothing can hurt me.

- As I am used to your distance, I started not to see myself and look! what happened?

My eyes that focus on you, stayed away from “me”. If this blood dropping from my finger is your fault, I did it to myself. 

Two years passed over that I lost myself…

If someone who decides to become white forever, left you for an eternity, you need to find another one instead of her, you know; and I chose you.

I don’t say to you to fill the blank in my life, it is just enough to keep my teardrops which I must save for her who will be in white forever. Please don’t make me cry for that reason.

I go away from the studio where I leave the two red drops felt down on the pasteboard.

The pain of all my body seems to flow all at once in my finger, gathered by that cut. It is like the way you feel your legs’ muscles when you sit down on a bench after a long running. This cut is throbbing in the same way. Whatever my forefinger shows, it will be incomplete because of the missing part of my finger.

For weeks, white bandages dress anew round my finger and I thought of your green eyes. While the doctor takes bandage away from my cut with some little piece of me, I feel something like when I shake my hand to you at the airport; like something is broken inside of me…

As the cut gets better, a new and thin piece of skin like a cocoon made by a grub before being a butterfly, gets to cover on my finger, and I wait a butterfly will go out through the tip of my finger.

-Please keep yourself. I need all of you.

-From now on, just me is not enough for all of me as you know.

***   ***   ***

-Hello, immediately we need an ambulance, please send one where you sent so many times already.

After twenty months I start to think how many people say “hello” in their call to a hospital for an ambulance.

- Now, first aid stuff knew you already; in the moment of your every ictus, your eyes looked at me like saying “when will you leave me?”.

- Oh flower! Would you like to leave me?! How can I leave you… Doctors smiled us sadly each time we entered to the hospital.

- Why? Why do you insist so much to live? How many times did we say to you, there is no way to make you fine. Go, go now and wait… Likely they say like that... But never said.

- What will we wait?

What were you doing with your heavy body on the bed? How could I have slept if we didn’t sleep in the same room! At midnight, when I got close to your face just to check your breathes, your eyes were opened; what did you see in the darkness?

I wished to be you… I couldn’t have been… We came here because you would stay over there wherever you go that’s I knew. Look! The doctors took care of you before came to say “hello” to you. Only your eyes moved but your immobile body got tired too much for 7 months. It was not what you wanted, I know. You would like to be close to me but not like this; I know. When you forgot to walk, we said “don’t worry, you can remember it”. We couldn’t have said the true to you. Then your words were hidden to somewhere; when your mind became silent, I started to talk also for you and never shut my mouth till the time you became silence forever…

-To whom would I leave you?!

You are completely white, now! Look, you went; what happened to me. Okay, I am fine, your eyes still follow me. Why have you never been come into my dreams?

***   ***   ***

We were passing on roads in fast, I would like to enter to fields of sunflowers and taste the seeds.

-Let’s stop for a short time

-We have no time to stop. Additionally, they are too small, haven’t grown up yet.

Among to sunflowers with yellow hair and green stalks, I lay down on the ground but the sun couldn’t have found me because of their tall stalks and I felt some cold under their shadows.

Such a deep blue sky swallowed me already like bettles that walk on the sides of roots of sunflowers. When little mosquitos saw me, they were surprised and forgot how to fly. Nobody was there! So, who takes care of such many sunflowers? What a big faith to wait every new day with the fixed bodies. Who has patience like sunflowers? While I was eating the seeds on the ground, I thought the people who loose themselves as they eat seeds of sunflowers from a big bag in their homes without any conscious. Look! They have patience. Why don’t you eat seeds of sunflowers? If your lips burned because of salty seeds, how they would seem, I wonder…

-Break time was finished, we have a long way more; let’s go on…

While I lay down near the roots and listened the sounds of wind and ground, a sunflower talked over me. You don’t believe in but when I turned my head to the voice, a sunflower was looking at me.

-Are you comfortable?

You were looking at me as usual as you pull your legs to your navel. You were white for eternal times, you shaked your head like said “yes”

When I woke up, it was early, I have laid down near the roots of your green eyes. Suddenly you openned your eyes and looked at me;

-Buongiorno!

-Buongiorno unico…

Then you closed your eyes slowly, how much you like to sleep!!

You make me surprised with your love. But why are we far now?

***   ***   ***

When you died, you were white, flower. If you take in death inside of you like a deep breathe, around becomes into ice-blue. However you were white for eternal times.

And I always like the color of ice-blue. But now, I love a pair of green eyes as well as strong green stalks like sunflowers have. I cut my right-forefinger by a knife as well as yellow like faces of sunflowers. Everynight, a small night-butterfly goes out through the tip of my finger now and I fall down asleep with a little wind that the butterfly makes it by beating wings. Please be close to me and come through inside of me as well as the butterfly.